Aftonbladet leverar

Jag vet att sommarsäsongen inte är höjdpunkten på nyhetsfronten, men att detta var en nyhet visste jag inte (speciellt eftersom jag har sett just den här artikeln bli promotad flertalet gånger den senaste månaden):

En flyttade alltså till Norge ( ! ), två (antar jag) gifte sig och blev gravida ( ! ) och den sista BÖRJADE ÄTA IGEN!

Jag är så ledsen att jag inte har Aftonbladet plus så att jag kan läsa fortsättningen på detta drama.

Gabbis LOVES cheese

Everyone that has met me knows how much I love cheese. I have never thought of this to be a problem (since you know, cheese is God´s gift to mankind!) but recently something happened that made me think that I should look for some sort of cheese rehab.

The thing is, I have been really busy the last couple of weeks ( I got a promotion, Im now DA BAAAUZ!). And I havent really had time to cook any proper meals. But I wasnt sad about that, because next to my job, there is a shop where they sell the most lovely Feta Cheese. I could freaking marry this Feta Cheese!

Last friday, I was out in maltas fines club area when suddenly I heard someone screaming in my direction.
- HEEEEEEEEELLO! HEELLLLLLLLLLO! CHEESE GIRL! CHEESE GIRL!
I turn around, and there is the man who is always behind the counter  where I buy my cheese, waving at me with a big grin!

The shop assistant and I are now best friends....

Erik och Gabbis - en hejdå-historia

Detta är sorgens dag då Erik har lämnat mig och Malta för att åka till Storstaden och leka grilljanne. Som en liten hyllning till vår öppet asexuella power couple - relation, har jag samlat ihop alla försök till förolämpningar som Erik har sagt till mig under de här sex månaderna.

Eriks förolämpningar - en skrämmande psykologisk historia


" Du luktar som glass - med bajs i"

" Nu gjorde du fel - du skulle reffa den med sökord"

" Vilken snygg finne du har där"

"Du vill inte vara ledig på  helger -du vill helst börja sju" - Erik försöker psyka mig till oförstånd

Erik lägger en muffin framför mig och tar sedan bort den samtidigt osm han säger "nää jag skoja bara"

Benjamins son Dexter kan vara barnvakt åt dig för att han är mer mogen än vad du är.

Du behöver inte tjata så mycket - sa han med lugn och frånvarande röst

Du är speciell...

Erik slår mig hårt. "Va gjorde det ont? Visa att du är en MAN nu"

Erik slår mig igen, skrattar rått "hehe"
-----------26 november----------------------------

Det ser ut som om du har växt ihop med stolen.

Läser en tidningsartikel som handlar om att någon gråter  hela tiden - Erik kommer förbi och säger:
Är den där om dig eller?

Vill du ha lite krydda på tillvaron säger Erik och droppar cayennpeppar på mina bröst.

Du kan sitta där inne själv i det lilla rummet och tända ljus och sjunga adventssånger. Så kan du suga in stämningen själv.

Crazy cat lady ser lite ut som dig - fast på äldre dar. En vänster bitterfitta. Utan självinsikt och tvåbenta vänner.

Om du vill hjälpa till kan du väl flytta till afrika - jag betalar flygbiljetten.

Du borde väl köpa en sådan där häftig klocka så att du kan öka ditt cred lite.

Sån här kan du skaffa - en maskinhäst - så att du äntligen kan få rida lite. Den är norsk.


--------------27 november-------------------------

Erik stänger hissen för Gabbis och åker ner. Gabbis tar trapporna. Hissen kommer före och Erik ropar: HA HA!

-------------30 november----------------------

Vi pratar om diss-dokumentet. Jag hävdar att jag är bättre på att dela ut dissar än Erik, han säger att det inte är så. Vi pratar favoriter.
"Jag vet inte vilken min favorit är för att jag är inte en sådan där psykopat som sitter och skriver ner saker andra människor säger"

------------12 december-------------------

Det är inte så konstigt att du vet vad diarieföring är (GABBIS: ...?!!)

Du kanske kan vara en sådan där Human wall (gör sig så stor han bara kan)

----------------17 januari----------------

Jag känner mig lite krasslig alltså.
- Dr Gabbis förutspår att du har en hjärntumör.
- I sådana fall har du TVÅ hjärntumörer.

------------- 21 Januari---------------
Gabbis: Jag har skrivit i min CV att jag är jätteintresserad av ekonomi, egentligen är jag inte det. Mest bara min personliga ekonomi.
Erik: Ja det är ju det ni kvinnor ska bry er om, hushållsekonomi.

Like a wind

Conversation with Erik at work.

Erik: I think I will help out at OOO for a while (censured because my job is so top secret).
Gabbis: Do that, you are to no use in the Support anyhow.
Erik: Ehm. Im the best, you however, not so great.
Gabbis: Pfff! I am the fastes at answering the emails! Im like a wind! SCHWOSH!
Erik: More like a adwerse wind.

Best friends

Gabbis tolkar Shakira

Nu är det dags för poesistund med inhyrda allmänna vänsterkulturkvinnan Liv. I premiäravsnittet tolkar hon den fantastiska texten "Hips dont lie" av Shakira.

The Internet story

I have recently moved to a new appartment which means that I have been without Internet for over a week.
I have spent the extra time wisely, reading, cleaning, cooking, learning important things that a  (Ehm, who am I kidding, I been going insane - my only safe place has been at work during lunch - when I have stared at facebook without even blinking for 60 minutes straight).

Today; I had enough. I went to my landlord and asked what had happened? They excused themselves and gave me a code so that I could unlock it. Excited over the idea that the internet was just a few digits away I went home with quick steps. Did the code work? No
I went back. They told me that I needed at disc. They did not have the disc. I had to wait until tomorrow so the disc-guy could show up. BUT! There was another solution. I could go to the internetprovider and ask them to change the internet to WIFI. Then I could use the internet today - soon - like in a few hours - without any disc. Without having to wait until tomorrow!

So I went. I walked to the closest store, about 20 minutes away. But you know what, since it was a Tuesday at 15.15 the store was closed. Yes, that is Malta for you. So I went to the next store, another 15 minutes away. It did not exist!

But you should never give up! So, I decided to take a bus ride to the third store. That took another 45 minutes. And there it was. A internet store - and it was open! So I walked in, overfilled with the thought that later today, I could be spending my day off from work - watching Jersey Shore.

- No, you cannot get a wireless router unless you bring the old modem with you! the very unfriendly cashier said. BUT! You can go to the other Internet Store that is 15 minutes away and buy one for 50 euros, instead of coming back tomorrow and annoying me and getting one for free.

And look, now I have Internet. Not because I paid 15 minutes or the disc guy appeared from no where, and not even because the bitch-cashier felt sorry for me and gave me one anyhow. It is because Im a fucking loser who went to work on my day of so I could get my daily fix of THE INTERNET!


I need help.

Paying a compliment

Today at work, Im wearing this awesome sweater that my grandma made for me while I was away in Hong Kong.

Me: Erik, what do you think of my sweater?
Erik: It looks like the kind of sweater my grandma would wear.
Me: Hm, I think I will take that as a compliment.
Erik: Eh... no, but I mean, you look like a grown-up.
Me: Adult like in 70 years old? 80? 90? How old is your grandma exactly?
Erik: Actually she is dead.

So, this sweater apparently makes me look like a dead old woman. And that ladies and gentlemen, is why you should never fish for a compliment!

On my way back to Malta

Im at arlanda airport waiting for my flight that leaves early tomorrow morning. All-in-all, this trip will take 25 hours, 7 of those I will spend in Hamburg waiting for my transit flight. Earlier tonight I called my sister Rebecka to say goodbye and  also while away some hours.

Rebecka: Oh I hate waiting. What will you do in Hamburg for 7 hours?
Me: I dont know, I downloaded some movies, but it is so hard to understand how long 7 hours are before you actually sit around and wait.
Rebecka: Yes, it is like when I was a kid. I really wanted to see this tv-show, but it started after 2 hours. So I asked dad how long two hours were. He said it was quite long, but not superlong. So I decided to sit and stare at a clock until the show started. Two hours felt like forever!
Me: You were the strangest kid! It is like the time when you saw some teasers for r another tv show and you sat up and waited and waited until you fell asleep!
Rebecka: Oh yes, that was the time I learned the diffrence between "coming soon" and "coming up next".

BINGO with consequences

A tradition in Sweden the day before Christmas Eve is to play Bingo. Almost everyone who is "middle class" eats a ham sandwich (special christmas ham), dreams about winning the big cash and watch this awful tv show with swedish boy bands covering christmas carols as a entertainment between the Bingo games. In Sweden we call it "Uppesittarkväll" which is translated into "stay up all night, watch crappy TV and then complain about the fact that you never win, promise yourself that next year, we will not watch this shit or play this game ever again - but then next year, ofcourse you find yourself sitting there again".

Anyhow. The Christmas edition of Bingo is a bit different, which means that on each row, you can win different things if you get Bingo. For example, you can win 25000 swedish kronor (2500 euros), a dream vacation  or a new smart phone.

This year I found myself experiencing the "Uppesittarkväll"-fenomena once again, with the difference that this time, I won. I got BINGO! But I did not win a new car, I did not even win 100 kronor (10 euros). Instead, I won two schratching lottery ticktes.
 

Me: What?! This is the first time I got bingo ever, and I dont even get 100 kronor. I will just get two lottery tickets and the chance that I will win money on those is even smaller than the chance I had to get bingo!
Mom: What, no! This is perfect! We will go and collect the lottery tickets on monday - and we will become millionairs!
Me: You know, that when I was young, you told me that if you win a lot of money on lottery tickets, you had to go to see a shrink!

This little girl was afraid of spiders, ghosts and winning money.

Mom: I did not!
Me: Yes you did, and for several years when someone gave me a lottery ticket, I was afraid that I had to go to therapy. You know that 25 kronor (2,50 euro) was a lot for a kid! I was afraid that I would go insane!
Mom: Well if it makes you feel better, I can get the tickets, keep the money and you can just go insane. I think you need some help anyhow.

Whatever does she mean?!

Nu vet man att man är hemma

Jag har lämnat Malta bakom mig för att som den julfascist jag är, fira en klassisk svensk vit underbar hysterisk jul hemma i Dalarna. Idag anlände jag till Falun efter att ha färdats i 24 (!) timmar. Min låtsaspappa Per hämtade upp mig hos mina kusiner och öppnade upp bakluckan för att jag skall kunna slänga in min väska.

Per: Oj, här låg det ju ett däck.
Jag: Den måste ha däckat här.
Per: Ja men det är ju för att det är (h)jul!

Jocke VS Albin

This is the story about a love triangle, well it is not the real story, just the ending.

Sorry you guys, this is a private joke, but if you dont mind, you can watch it anyhow to see the revival of music videos. Not that this is the new cool place to check out awesome videos or anything, but at least Im showing one music video this year...that is more than you can say about MTV.

A walk to remember

Im out walking with Erik.

- Gabbis, you are like an anchor.
- I keep your feet on the ground and balance you in your life?
- No you drag me down with you. 

Whatever does he mean?

Found it!

When you move to a new country, there is a lot of bureaucratic and practical things that you need to fix. Like finding a place to live, getting a bank account, get a maltese ID. Since I didnt even know where Malta was located when I on a whims accepted the job I got here, I had even less knowledge on how to get all of those things.

But I was lucky. A guy called Erik who started the job at the same time as I did, had already lived here for 6 months and he taught me every thing I needed to know. Even though he is a nice guy, to be humble about this has not been his greatest strenght. According to him, he is wiser, smarter, a faster drinker and apparently BETTER AT CREATING MENTAL PICTURES (prff) than I am.

But the other day, he found out that you needed a national insurance number before friday - otherwise they would deducte your salary. I was calm, because I already got it a loooong time ago. The unthinkable then happened, Erik asked me to guide him to this place so he would not get lost.

Apparently, he doesnt read my blog and have not read this post, or this one and ESPECIALLY not this one. And I was not about to tell him, because tomorrow, THE STUDENT BECOMES THE MASTER.

Gabbis - the Maltese Guide

If I dont get lost that is, because when I went there, I took the bus, then I walked in circles for two hours and accidently found it after sitting on a bench, almost giving up.

Subtle messages

Today I found a white board at work with a picture of all the french people working there. I decided to not give up hope on my french love - and sent him a message...

Why you should never talk while being drunk.

Do you guys remember the french guy that Im stalking at work? The other day I learned his name - still have not learned any french though - but at least I can look at his profile pictures at facebook. Yesterday, some of my coworkers and I celebrated Swedens win and went out.

There I met some french guys and we soon realized that they work for the same company as me. After a while, the subjects of conversation started to run out, so I decided to tell them of my eternal love. Yes, I used that term "eternal love". I continued on describing how I had stalked him on facebook - that he is the BEST LOOKING GUY IN THE WORLD and that I would marry him in heartbeat. I also described our future together, with nights in the south of france - drinking wine and enjoying classical music etc etc. I seriously held a 15 minute monologue about "how awesome this guy is" - please remember that we only have said hello to eachother.

This morning, I realized what I had done - but figured that they probably would not remember this conversation since they were a bit drunk as well. I came to work, went in to the kitchen - and there he was - my eternal love. But instead of saying Hello - he looked petrifiyed and ran out of there as soon as he could.

So I guess I have to find another french love to adore - and probably keep quite about.

Varning! En ordvits!

Jag sitter på jobbet och beklagar mig för min arbetskamrat Anton över att alla röster jag hör när jag har öroninflammation låter som robotar.

Anton: När jag var liten opererade jag bort halsmandlarna, då hade jag en jättepipig röst.
Jag: Va, på riktigt, hur pipig då?
Anton: Pipig.
Jag: (Försöker göra en pipig disneymus-röst) Heeej det är Anton.
Anton: Ännu mer pipigt!
Jag: Hur är det ens möjligt? Var det alltså mer: Hej jag är DiskAnt-ton?


Lite irrelevant, men det fick mig att tänka på det här:

Ordinary (and very boring) blog update

Hola los gentos!

Sorry for the bad update, but my life is a bit crazy right now. I dont think I´ve slept since 1997 (actually, I took a nap about 5 hours ago, but this day has really felt quite retro). The last couple of days Dajana and I hanged out (until she sadly had to leave), Ive been working, eating fish, being a turist, drinking some random afternoon beers, got a promotion, and also; got rehired by my old job. So right now, my schedule is a bit hectic with a hysterical schedule:
05:30 Wake up.
06.10 Actually wakes up.
07.00 Start work
15.30 Finish work
15.30 - 16.00 Walk
16:00- 18:00 Free time aka buy food, cook food, eat food,watch Jersey Shore.
18:00 - 23.30 Work for my other job.
23.30 Brush teeth
00:30 Fall asleep while watching an episode of the Smurfs.

So basically, I do everything besides sleeping. This morning when my alarm went of I could not understand what the alarm wanted me to do. After snoozing for half an hour - I figured out it was a sect and that I should keep my eyes closed. 10 minutes before I was supposed to go work - I figured out that Eye of the Tiger  by Survivor (my alarm clock song) probably didnt want me to go all crazy religious, just wake up.

But on monday, I finally have my first day off in like 10 days. I promise to re-appear here then. For now, here is at least proof that Im alive!

Nam nam nam

Gabi as a Maltese Guide

Guess what! One of my most awesome, smart and funny friends is here visiting me! Dajana arrived last night and this is what I have showed her so far.

Occationally being lost

The house of our Lord

The historical sites

A book club.

I so wish that I had come up with this joke

The Cure?

You might wonder why I am at wake at this hour. There are many reasons why I shouldnt be. For one, it is 2 o´clock at night. Another is the fact that I start working tomorrow at 7 and my alarm is set on 5.30. Also a good reason to be asleep right now is that I only slept 2 hours last night and are absolutly beat! Yes, all of those reasons are valid, but Im not asleep because I have a fucking acute ear infection!

And I have no pain killers at home.

So I googled ear infection  HELP ME LORD and found this website that said that you should put an onion in your ear. First I could only find a leek, but there was a fitting problem there.

So now, Im awake. With a garlic in my ear!

(Jag ser lite lökig ut)

Update 03:04 Now I have the tast of garlic in my mouth. Namnamnam.
Update 09:00 Just to clarify, the garlic taste in my mouth came through my ear, I didnt eat it afterwards! Also, I have been at work now for 2 hours and still no one has said anything about the garlic smell from my ear. But at the same time, no one wants to sit next to me...
Update 12:28 Now Im high on Latvian drugs at work. WIIIIHII!